When we moved here in June, I woke up the first morning in this, our new home, and opened my Bible to 2 Chronicles 20, in which Jehoshaphat prays to the Lord because of the great army coming against the people of Judah. This is what the Lord replies: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.'" As you may remember, the people go out singing, and the Lord gives them the victory. They name the place the Valley of Beracah, which means praise.
I felt that we were to name this house Beracah, and I felt that the Lord was telling me clearly that this battle would not be won through persuasive words or our own tactics or any other thing except by praising the Lord. The summer that followed was a very difficult one. The enemy's attacks were so frequent, indeed constant, that I was thoroughly overwhelmed. But I clung to what God had said about praise, and I often put praise music on to play 24 hours a day in our home. I found that when I did not have praise music going all night in our house, I could barely keep going the next day. But the cloud of oppression lifted when praise music was playing and when I chose to praise the Lord along with it in my heart.
It has been many months since then and there have been many battles. We have been encouraged to begin to develop friendships here that we treasure. We absolutely love and adore this church body and there is nowhere else that we would rather be. I really love these people so much! Yet there seems to be a continual up and down in ministry. It is truly a roller-coaster some days, and it is easy to grow exhausted. Being a pastor's wife is an entirely new situation for me and so very, very different from these last several years as a young mama taking care of my wee ones in total obscurity. It is so strange to sense the expectations and needs of others when I had felt so unseen and forgotten and unnecessary to the Church even just a year ago. Now there are expectations for me, and the expectations of each person are different, and I am still journeying toward understanding the Lord's purpose for me in this new role and how it relates with my other, more central roles as Christ-worshiper and wife and mother. And yes, they all roll together, but there are times when one must be prioritized over another. There is so much now that is unexpected, so much that you can never be prepared for except by walking closely with the Lord and in prayer. It is a challenge for me to stay continually girded up in the armor of God.
We are reading through Exodus with our children right now. They love it! What a blessing and encouragement to this mama's heart to finish reading a chapter or two of Scripture at breakfast and have both Priscilla and Abraham ask me to continue reading. "Okay, that's a good stopping point," I say. "Are you ready to go do something else now?" "No, no, please keep reading!" they say. And Rilla will add, "I love reading the Bible more than anything else!" Oh, how I wish my heart could hold onto that encouragement, and not dwell on the other things which so intensely drag down my heart and overwhelm my spirit!
A few days ago we read through the part of Exodus in which the Amalekites come against God's people, Israel. God had already showered down plagues on Egypt and had made a pathway through the sea for the Israelites to escape. He had made bitter waters sweet, had given them manna and quail to eat every day, and had given them water from the rock. And then the Amalekites came. Moses went up on the mountain above the battle and as long as his hands were in the air in that beautiful posture of worship to the Lord, the Israelites were winning. But as soon as his arms sank down, the Amalekites were winning! So what was to be done? Aaron and Hur came to his sides and held up his arms. All day, they stood there, or sat there, and held up his arms. Can you imagine how tired your arms would be after holding them up all day? Mine grow tired and shaky after I hold them up for five minutes. All day would be impossible... unless you had friends at your sides to keep your exhausted, limp arms raised in the air.
I absolutely love that. I loved reading that with the kids a few days ago, and talking about it again with them today. I love that image. There are things here which God has called us to do, people here whom God has called Keith and I to love, and the call is specific to us, and yet we need the strength and support of others.
Friends, we are in that place. Our arms are tired. We want to worship God. We want to see His victory brought about in this community and in this body of believers and in the lives of our family and in the lives of our children and in our personal fellowship with the Lord. But our arms are tired. Sometimes we are so encouraged, and then sometimes we are so deflated. All in an hour's time. Or even ten minutes! Our spirits are willing, but the flesh is weak! Will you please come to our sides? Will you please help us to hold our arms up? Will you intercede for us? Specifically, will you pray for us as we seek to discern how to balance marriage and family life with the pressing needs of ministry? This is a different phase of family life than we have yet been in.
It is challenging for me to know how to support Keith when he wants me to support him and I want to support him, yet I am also needing to be present with our kiddos. Keith and I have always worked hand-in-hand in ministry. Yet I cannot be fully present in all that he is doing. I just can't. And that is hard for both of us, because we want to be in it thoroughly together. Yet I need to be present with our children.
I feel that I have slacked tremendously as a mother in the last year or so; each move of the last year and a half (there have been three) has brought with it compromises and I am now reaping the disadvantages of those. Inconsistency in discipline has reaped slower obedience. I hear my own discouragements reflected in the whining of my children. Doing too much in a day, too much in a week, has led to later and later nights, exhausted children with tired eyes that make my heart hurt. They are stretched by all of this too. They are doing well in some ways. But one of them is just coming out of a difficult phase (oh, how thankful I am for that!) even while two of them are entering into more difficult, sensitive periods (oh Lord, please help me and grant me patience and compassion!). This task of motherhood is so big and so important to me. And there are days when I feel like such a failure and even just get tired of it all. In most ways, I know how I want to mother them, and how they need my guidance. But there are always new things, and they are always growing and changing, and I feel like just figuring out this mothering stuff is plenty to occupy my time... let alone finding time to pray and support Keith and reach out to others and begin a women's Bible study and clean the house and sleep.
We need joy, and self-discipline, and the Lord's strength, and wisdom. If you think of us, will you please pray for these things for us? Thank you.
Love, Jamie
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