One of them is this.
I need to love God's Word again.
I tend not to share where I'm really at spiritually when I blog. I don't know, maybe because it's so awkward? And too honest? I can share little reflections and such, but to share something like, I don't know, how I have been out of love with God's Word for several years... well, that's a bit harder to admit. Honestly, I am blushing with embarrassment as I write that.
The thing is, I've known the issue and yet I've not known the issue. I went so deep in the Lord so fast as a new believer that my first several years as a new Christian were marked by leaps and bounds of deep maturity and radical obedience, and that was largely due to diving into God's Word every chance I got, letting Him drench me with it and wash away the filthy lies and make me clean.
It was beautiful.
And with it came so many profound revelations and such a deep familiarity with His truth as revealed through Scripture that slowly, gradually, I found that whenever I opened the Bible, all I could find was more reminders of His past faithfulness. It became impossible to read my much-beloved NIV without already knowing the next word, and the rest of the sentence.
It became rote. Stale.
No matter the promises of daily bread. It tasted like old bread to me. Every time.
I tried several times to pick up a different version of the Bible. Knowing full well that over-familiarity with the NIV was my issue, I turned to the NKJV and the NASB. I would enjoy it for two or three verses and then I would find myself unbearably annoyed that the new version I was holding had the words all wrong. I don't know why I memorize so well, but I just do, and reading a slightly "off" version (of course it's not really off, but it felt off to me) of familiar passages just drove me crazy.
And so I pretty much stopped reading the Bible.
And I have continued that for... well, I'm not sure how long. It's been quite a while.
Sure, I read it to my children at breakfast. And I turn to it for reference when I am trying to remember something. And I read it for studies... oh, how I have relied on Beth Moore studies to make me feel something deeper, to desire God's word just a little bit more again! And I've picked it up now and then to read a book or a chapter or two.
But read it daily? Read it deeply? Nope, that totally hasn't been happening.
So anyway, a few months ago I noticed that I had added The Message three times to my Amazon books wish list. There are dozens of other books on there, but the only one on there multiple times was The Message and NIV side-by-side Bible. I chewed it over and then finally went for it.
I bought a new Bible.
(Oh. And one more factor to my not reading the Bible much in the last several years is that my Bible that I love so much has been totally fallen apart all through that time. It comes apart in about twelve neatly taped sections. I have to hold it so carefully to actually use it that it just makes me not want to touch it. And yet I have hated the thought of using any other. What would I do without my notes? Without being able to find exactly where each verse was based on it's location on the page?)
I totally regretted my decision to buy a new Bible right after I finally did it. And when I received the new Bible in the mail... a lovely NIV and Message side-by-side Bible... I totally disliked it. Because when I opened it up and saw The Message there, I was once again deeply irritated by reading any version but my beloved NIV.
Anyway. (Can you tell this is a flow-of-thought post?) I finally realized a week or two ago... having tucked the lovely new Bible away on a shelf... that my problem can be summed up in one simple word. Nostalgia. Probably anyone reading this figured out it was my issue just in reading this blog, but it has taken me years for it to finally hit me. I have grown so nostalgic about God's Word that I haven't been able to let go of the past and let it speak to me and change me in the present.
So long story... um.... long. I have begun reading The Message in the last week or so. And you know what? I love it. I am excited about it. I am reading it and enjoying it so much. I am beginning at the very beginning... just like I did with my NIV so long ago... and suddenly, the stories are fresh to me again. God making the world! Adam and Eve! Their disobedience! Their descendants! Noah and the ark and the animals! Noah's descendants! The tower of Babel!
And that's as far as I've gotten. I'm only to Genesis 10 or so. But you know what? I've not been thirsty, eager like this, to read more of God's Word in years. Years. I am hungry for it again. Hungry like, grabbing snatches of it while the children are finishing a meal, kind of hungry. Hungry like when you are hungry for an exciting page-turning novel. I seriously can't remember the last time I was hungry like that for God's Word. And I know that's horrible and I've been ashamed of it for years and I hate admitting it and yet... being hungry now, wanting more of God's Word, is such a beautiful thing, so refreshing, such a soul-deep relief, that I just can't help sharing. Loudly. Publicly. Here. I've read ten chapters of God's Word and I'm not moving fast... ten chapters in a week is not speedy!... and yet I want more of it. Even though I know the next section is about Abraham and I have read that dozens of times and my son is named after that Abraham and I know the story well... yet somehow I am actually thirsty to read it again. I feel thirsty to read all of God's Word again. And it's speaking to me. It's intriguing me. A longing has been kindled that has long been missing and I am just.... so happy. So glad. So relieved. So thankful. I don't know how long it will take me to read through the Word this time, maybe six months or a year or two years even, but I am reading through it again and wanting to read through it, desiring it not because I am supposed to but because I actually want to.
It rocks.
So it's not really a New Year's resolution... not even necessarily a goal for this year... but it is a life goal, a life desire, a life-giving thing that is changing my days now, watering my thirsty heart, bringing healing to a parched and ever-increasingly cynical and disgruntled soul. God's Word is still living and active. Did you know that? I'm not sure I did. I was starting to doubt it. But I am starting to have hope that there is new life in His Word for me yet.
I had three new thoughts - new ones! - about three new subjects today while reading those oh-so-familiar words in a not-familiar translation. Three! Not big God-spoke-to-me moments, but little lovely moments nonetheless in which my soul was lightened, finally, and I was more deeply desirous of knowing God more, knowing His heart better, while reading His Word.
I don't know how to end this except to say... I am rejoicing. I am hopeful. I am thankful. I am happy! And I am more relieved than I can explain.
How exciting, Jamie!
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