I love our little boy!

Before Abraham was born, before we knew whether he was a boy or a girl, it really didn't matter to us whether he would be a boy or a girl. We knew he would be the perfect fit for our family.

In some ways, although I was pretty sure we were going to have a boy, I wanted him to be a girl. I was still hurting over the loss of our very first baby, the son of my heart who would have been born three years ago next month. I still miss him sometimes. I see Rilla and Abraham play together and the thought still comes unbidden... what if.

What if our oldest son was here?

But he is not, and that loss is something that never goes away, that deep grief and heartache and the feel of the scar that has been healed and yet still remains. I know other mothers who know this too. And I know each soul feels it's own grief in that indescribable way that is unsharable and yet eased by the comfort of caring community.

And so to be honest, it was hard for me to adjust when Abraham was born. Keith had wanted so very much to wait to find out the baby's gender that I agreed. But I wish I had known, really known, ahead of time that he would be a boy, because I think it would have helped me to prepare my heart ahead of time for another son.

But this son, the not-so-tiny boy who is very much alive and whom I just snuggled down for a nap, this son is beautiful.

He smiled at me within the first few days of his birth and every day since. He loves his daddy dearly and yet he clutches tight to his mommy. He has seemed absurdly large to me sometimes and yet he is still so small, so cuddly, so soft and squishy and loveable. He cuddles into me every chance he gets and grins with joy when he sees me. I am his comfort and he is my sunshine.

The children have been on alternating nap schedules lately (until today, hurray! ...but trying not to get my hopes up) and although that is hard sometimes, I am absolutely loving the extra time alone with each one of them. In the mornings as Abraham naps, my time with Rilla is filled with tea parties and pretend play and coloring. But in the afternoon, and here is the surprising part to me, I find myself so happy to have a break from the girliness as Abraham and I play together.

It is amazing to me how truly a boy he is already.

We play with cars, and he makes "brrmmm brrmmm" sounds. (Keith says I taught him that, but I think Abraham taught me.) We watch the chickens pecking the grass outside and he says "baaw baaw baaw" in imitation of my "bawk bawk" sounds. We hear a truck go by and go to the window to watch it, because Abraham loves trucks and all things with wheels. We roll a ball back and forth together, and he occasionally throws it, and he says "baa baa," which to you might sound similar to his sounds for chickens, but which I know means "ball." Because he is brilliant like that.

We read books together. Abraham stares with fascination at the pictures, occasionally bending down to kiss one. He says "touch," only without the "ch" on the end, and if I say "Would you like to touch it?" he gently reaches one finger out to touch the page and feel it carefully. His favorite book is "Inside, Outside, Upside Down," which is odd to me because it doesn't have as many bright colors as so many of his books, but that's okay. We read it over and over. We read library books too. He prefers the ones with paper pages, the ones he sees his sister reading, and he does pretty well with them but it makes me nervous so I move them out of his reach, and then he cries until I find him more books to read. He is getting to the phase where he is content to sit alone and carefully turn the pages of every book within reach all by himself.

He leaves scratch marks on everything. It doesn't seem to matter how carefully I trim them; he has the sharpest nails in the world and it almost looks like we have a cat in the house, because there are scratch marks on all kinds of things.

Abraham adores everyone in our family. I think that is particularly special to me because when Rilla was this age, Keith was away from home for days on end, and so she wasn't as reliant on him then as Abraham now is. Keith has been laid off for nearly three months, and home with us a lot of the time, and so if he is gone, Abraham misses him until he comes back. I love that.

He adores his sister too. He misses her while she is asleep and plays willingly into her imaginings when he is awake, although I don't know how long that will last, as her favorite game just now is to pretend that she is Laura and her brother is Mary... though Keith prefers that Little House game (in which he is Pa and I am Ma) to the Blueberries for Sal game (in which Rilla is Sal, I am Sal's mother, Abraham is Little Bear, and Keith is Little Bear's mother). But I digress.

This dear son, who I usually call Abraham but often call Sunshine or Abers, is irresistible. His eyes are a clear gray-blue and they never seem to waver. He watches people to sense their emotions before breaking out in a broad, welcoming smile. He is gentle and yet, like his father before him, loves to drum on whatever he can find - pots, the xylophone, and cake pans being his favorite.

His hair is beginning to get long enough that it curls, and it is light light brown... some might say blond, although I still can't seem to adjust to having little blond children... and he looks so much like his sister. He has almost caught up to her in weight... only two more pounds to go. He loves to splash like crazy in the bathtub with crazy glee. He loves bedtime and always waves goodnight with great exuberance to his daddy, even though we know we will see him again very soon, as he still wakes up throughout the night.

He never feeds himself, not even when we are feeding him a finger food like peas. He can be playing with them and completely enjoying eating them but just doesn't connect that he could put them in his mouth on his own. Which is okay, since he doesn't eat anything he shouldn't either, and since I don't vacuum enough, that's probably for the best.

He talks to me with with coos and murmurs, and when he gets tired enough, he reaches to me with a plaintive "Mama!" He scoots around on his belly but hasn't figured out crawling yet, although I think it will happen soon. He is learning to color and to smell flowers, and he still adores his reflection in the mirror.

This is getting kind of crazy long, sorry. It's just amazing to me that this small child who I hadn't even seen one year ago is now so deeply a part of my heart and life. All of his sweet little ways are darling and amazing to me. I love him so fully and yet so differently than I love anyone else. I suppose that's how God's love is for us, huh? Full and encompassing every part of each of us and yet different toward each of us.

He's awake now, and we're watching the deer in our yard together. He says "deh" (which of course means "deer," as we've already established that he is brilliant) and waves to them, and we watch them until they wander out of sight. And he complains that they are gone, but I tell him that they'll come back, and we go read a book together.

Pictures will have to wait on this post... my computer is away... but you'll just have to believe me, this is the cutest little boy ever.