One of the lessons I am continually learning as a mother is what I would term "letting go of Things." You know what I mean by Things, right? I mean those cute or precious or memorable Things that I have acquired over the years, those Things that when the kids find them and want to play with, I initially have that grab of greedy protectiveness in my heart.
I don't mean family heirlooms like my grandma's wedding rings; there are a few Things which really aren't for use by the children. I'm talking about all of those other special little Things we have acquired over time and which really serve no functional purpose but which we keep around anyway. (And yes, I do try to keep that kind of extra stuff to a minimum, but some of them are worth keeping.) Last spring it was this unique wooden puzzle box that we had sitting in our bedroom, a special hand-carved gift for which I'd once saved my money a long time to buy for my grandparents. They of course saved the box and gave it back to me as an adult, complete with the little letter I'd written for them in it. Every time the kids wanted to look at it, I'd feel this tightness and anxiety, feeling the need to hover over them while they played with it and put it all back together so carefully, complete with the letter. Finally I realized how much it was stressing me out and decided this: I would rather have them play with it and enjoy it now, even if they lose some of it or break it, than have it sit on my shelf for years without being played with or touched or enjoyed. What is the point of having Things if we can't enjoy them? I don't want my adult children to go through my stuff when I die someday and find perfectly preserved Things like this old puzzle box and go, yeah, that was one of those Things that our mom never let us play with. If it lasts that long, I want them to find it and have happy memories of it. And if it doesn't last that long, who cares? I'm raising kids here, not preserving Things. So I threw away the letter, let the kids play with the box happily, and you know what? They still haven't lost any of the pieces, and the box has been more well-loved than ever. I'm pretty sure the enjoyment they've had out of playing with the puzzle box has far exceeded what I would've gotten out of seeing it on the shelf for any number of decades.
Today I went through another minor adjustment or "letting go of Things" moment in my heart. I am taking down the Christmas ornaments, and many of them are breakable ones that Keith's mom picked out for us through the years. She used to pick out a few for us each year and write our names and the year on them, and there are many of Keith's from before we were married. One that I particularly love is of two snowmen on a sled together; that one is from the year that Keith and I got married. I haven't really let the kids handle them before, but today when I was taking them down, they began to play with them, and I found that familiar stressed-out feeling rising in my throat. What if they break them? And then I realized... yeah, what if they do? No big thing. They are just ornaments. It was special to have them given to us, but you know what made them even more special? Watching Rilla and Abraham play with them gently today for a full hour, making up a complicated story about the daddy and mommy snowmen and their family of eighteen children. Even if a carrot nose or two had broken off, the kids had so much fun with the snowmen that it would have been well worth it.
The same sort of thing happened a few weeks ago on Christmas morning when we gave each child a special ornament. Abraham's ornament from us was a tractor that has his name and 2012 written on it. Somehow I was thinking that he'd just want to put it on the tree and look at it. (Can you tell I am still learning how boys work??) But of course he wanted to play with it, and would probably have been happy with only that for Christmas, because he was so ecstatic about it driving the little ceramic tractor all over the house. After lots of use, it broke. But Keith glued it back together, and Abraham is more enamored with it than ever, and super happy about his daddy being able to fix broken things. And so I realize again how great it is to be able to let go of Things. I'd rather see that tractor on the tree next year with a bit of the name rubbed off and a few extra cracks in it than have Abraham feel sad when he sees it every Christmas, because he wasn't allowed to play with it. And I'm really happy that I let him play with it, even though for some reason it is always a bit challenging for me in the moment to let go of the value that I place on Things and remember the long-term value of Memories and Love and Sharing. The memories made in the sharing, and the peace in my heart and our home because of the freedom to love each other more than we love Things, are well worth it.
I feel like I've gone through a lot of these little "letting go of Things" moments as a mother. What about you? Have you experienced these kinds of moments with your kids in which you have the choice either to be selfish or to share? Does sharing come more easily to you than it does to me, or has this been challenging for you as well?
I have experienced moments like these myself. My response pretty much varies with the Thing. Tiny tractor ornaments: been there, done what you did. Anything that is theirs they are allowed to play with. But I do have a handful of things they aren't allowed to play with. The glass nativity being one of them (they do have one they are allowed to play with.) The girls can wear my jewelry, with the exception of my necklace that has their names/birthstones on it. There is an item or two that I have saved from when I was a kid that the girls would enjoy and that I wouldn't mind if they were broken. But I do think the girls would enjoy playing with them more when they are a little older, so I don't let them play with them now. They are welcome to break them then :) I have let go of thinking that I will have something forever. It took a few years, but I now have nothing in my house that I would be devestated if it broke. Like you said, they are just Things. However, I do think it is good for my kids to understand that they are not entitled to play with whatever they want to. And that some things are off limits until they are older. It gives them something to look forward to, and also it follows along with what we practice as a family (If something belongs to someone else, you must ask to use it, and the other child is allowed to say 'no' (within reason, of course). Of course, we encourage sharing, and treating others better than yourself, understanding that Things are just that, trusting others, etc. But allowing them to say 'no' to each other allows them to truly share, and allows for God to work on their hearts if they aren't sharing. Of course, there are times when we need to step in and force sharing, especially with the younger kids, but it is rare that they don't do it on there own, or don't have a legitimate reason for not sharing. Case in point: If the 9 year old doesn't want to share his crystal growing kit with the 2 year old because she will break it and lose pieces, well, that's legitimate reason for not sharing in my book :) So, I guess in a nutshell I should say that we do allow a certain amount of selfishness/attachment to stuff, but I believe it is a healthy amount when tempered with growing up in a Godly home. Apparently I should have just written a blog post; sorry this is so long! :)
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