Unfortunately, though, I think one of the things that I will remember quite well and which I am praying that I won't become bitter about is how little I have felt like anyone took the time to help me. I understand the other mamas not helping me, because they're just as busy as I am. And the ladies younger than me who could help just don't have a clue how busy and exhausted I really am. So it's the older ones that I am wondering about.
Older ladies from the church, where are you, anyway? You see me on Sunday morning and smile and tell me how cute my little ones are. You tell me that I'm doing a good job. But where are you during the week? Where are you during these seasons when my husband is gone for a few months at a time, only home on the weekends? Why have you given lip-service to wanting to help me with moves or babies or meals or naps but somehow you never follow through? Why do you never ever call me? Never bring meals? Never offer to come over for an hour so that I can take just one blessed nap?
I have reached a point now where I hear about mamas who have somebody help them with something at some point and I'm instantly fighting jealousy. Or at least fighting that wave of discouragement. Because I need it so desperately. Grace, mercy, some help, people, I just want some help here.
And yes. It was our choice to have three children close together. And we chose for me to be able to be a stay-at-home mother. And we love these choices we've made and certainly wouldn't change them. But I didn't know that it would all be so lonely. I didn't know that there would not be older women who came alongside me to help, ever. I didn't know that when they saw me struggling, they would simply murmur, "This too shall pass" or "Hang in there, dearie" or "I remember those days." And that that would be it, that would be the full summation of their ministry of encouragement and help to me, some kind of half-smile, half-grimace as if to say, you'll be through this soon and then you can have some adult interaction again. But oh, older women of the church, why can't you take the time to interact with me now?
It is so hard to go through this season of life without the support of older women. Hard especially when I cannot turn to my own mother, when every day I am fighting, and I do mean actively, constantly fighting, even still, to overcome my own abusive past and to resist from repeating the abusiveness that is so familiar to me. Hard to not have a break, not even for an hour, during one of these 108-hour stretches of being solely responsible for my three sweet children. Hard not to have an in-person adult conversation. Hard that even when I do have an adult conversation via phone (with another mama, of course, because only another mama is patient enough to wait a few minutes here and there while I give instructions to my small children), it's peppered with caring for the needs of the children around me, and I feel like I am compromising my care for them by not being able to focus on them when they need it.
Hard too, sometimes, that even as I could use encouragement in my role as a mother, I could also use encouragement as, you know, everything else. As a woman who loves the Lord, a wife who loves her husband, a friend, a follower of Jesus. And yet even at church, I am not asked about anything other than my children. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my children. I'm thoroughly convinced that this is my life's work and I am thoroughly happy about devoting myself to it. But I still have thoughts about other things too. I still have a Bachelor's Degree in Intercultural Studies and I still care about, you know, things like missions and ministry and world events. Ask me what I've been thinking about lately, what I've been reading, what God has been teaching me. If you want to encourage me as a mother, don't just tell me that my children look cute; ask me what I've been teaching them. How I am shaping their characters, what I'm struggling with there. Ask me what they've been teaching me. Challenge me to teach them more about the Word. Recommend a good book or two. Anything. Maybe we could even talk for more than two minutes and you could say, Hey, how about if I come over this Wednesday and clean your kitchen for you? I'll bring tea and scones and we can visit while the children nap. Or if you're tired, I'll just keep cleaning while you lay down for a much-needed rest with your littlest one. What time should I show up?
I know I'm complaining, but I don't mean it to be whiny. It is truly, incredibly difficult to do this on my own. Not hard if my goal were only to have my children stay alive, as in physically survive until adulthood. But my goal is for them to be honest, earnest worshipers, men and women who love God and serve Him and honor Him and love others, who are kind and gracious and gentle and well-educated. That is not the kind of stuff that is taught lightly or easily or on the side; it is a full-time job, and I am really missing out by not having anyone who cares enough to actually help me. To do the dishes so that I can read for twenty minutes with my daughter. To fold some laundry so I can build a tower with my son. To play outside with the older two so I can close my eyes and lay down with my napping infant.
It wouldn't hurt me so much if I thought that I was the only one going through this kind of thing. But I know that I'm not. From what I've seen, the older women in our churches simply don't care about stepping up. And what hurts me most about this is that because they're not stepping up, I'm not either. I remember being engaged and longing for the mentorship of a young married woman. I remember being a young married woman and longing for the mentorship of a mother with young children. Now I am a mother with young children, and I should be reaching out to those ladies younger than me, to share with them some of the things I've learned along the way and encourage them in their journeys. But instead of being somewhat supported by the women farther along the path than me, thus enabling me to reach back and help those coming along behind, I am simply so caught up with the load that I am carrying all by myself that I haven't the strength to help out anyone else. It hurts my heart so much to see myself failing at this too.
I want to be the kind of woman who does step up. I want to be a young mama who reaches out to the younger ladies. I want to be an older mama someday who genuinely cares for the younger mamas. But right now, I don't have the energy or time, and I lack motivation. A big part of that is because it has not been modeled to me, and there is only so much that a person can overcome apart from godly leadership and fellowship. I was talking to the Lord about this recently and He reminded me of the godly examples and mentors that I have had through books and blogs. I am incredibly thankful for those women. But I do wish there were some other mature women in my life, not just the literary ones, who felt it worthwhile to make time to help me.
What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
James 2:14-17
Teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
Titus 2:3-5
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:16-18
There is a lack of help from the older generations. I totaly feel it! I asked a group of older woman why they did not step up to help out with sunday school (so that the parents teaching it could ACTUALLY GO TO SERVICE instead of being with thier kids 24/7 and never getting any fellowship) or help out with familes who had younger kids. They told me that they had to do it all on thier own and they where "done" with those years... it wasn't thier responsibility.
ReplyDeleteIt greatly greived me. I talked to a few of my young mom friends and we are going to BREAK THAT TREND. I'm feeling fiesty so i better stop... good points Jamie, WHERE ARE THE FAITHFUL OLDER WOMAN?
YES YES YES!! I am definitely finding that the "I've done my time" (direct quote, BTW) attitude is soo prevalent among the older generations. Oh, they have plenty to *say* about what we're doing--or, more accurately, what we're NOT doing or not doing well enough--but when push comes to shove, where are they? And don't think I haven't made my own phone calls LOOKING for help (no sitting around waiting for the phone to ring here!) Even moving away from my friends and closer to my family has brought me very little in the way of hold-the-baby-make-a-meal-maybe-clean-the-house kind of help.
ReplyDeleteTake my advice, young marrieds: don't listen when they say, "move closer to your family and your home church, they'll be so much help!" Because they won't. They've "done [their] time." Move closer to your friends. At least then, if you're all too busy with your own kids to help with someone else's, you won't rack up long distance bills calling each other just to have some adult conversation between sibling fights and baby feeds.
I'm not going to lie: I'm re-labeling our generation "Generation SOL". This isn't the only reason for it, either.
Love this post! It gave me a lot to think about. Here's what I've noticed. In my experience, I alot of them are working, and the ones that are working are already emotionally spent and overly busy trying to keep up with their own homes/lives. Others are just insecure/unknowledgeable, since very few have experienced being mentored to themselves as younger women. I was very fortunate to be in a church where a larger percentage of the "older" women didn't work outside the home, and they did a really good job of speaking into the lives of the younger women. Not with coming over and doing chores, but with spiritual encouragement, meals, holding fussy babies at church, volunteering for any childcare duties, and such stuff. As you know, our church ended, so not getting that so much anymore. :*( I went to a conference a while ago at FBC, and they were talking about their women's mentorship program. They talked about the fact that young moms are saying just what you are saying, and that the older women are saying "we want to help, but we don't know how." The older generations are worried about overstepping their bounds, that they don't have anything worth sharing, and a million other things. So, women's mentoring at that church not only includes helping to pair up older women with younger, but also a training for the older women to equip them and teach them how to mentor. I was really impressed. Consequentially, that is the church we are trying out now :) Anyway, hope my responses gave you something to chew on. Praying that you will find that older mentor soon!
ReplyDeleteHMMM!!!
ReplyDelete(that's about all I can muster at the moment as, well, the entire thing is so similar to my own thoughts and experiences and Jer just began a 6day cycle in Carstairs and J just attacked K' and the baby needs to eat and we've all been up since 5:00 and...I think you should move to 'the Hills' over here cuz there's some great young mamas who hear ya...! ;) )